I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
