Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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