I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize