I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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