Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
