You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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