chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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