im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
