Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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