My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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