Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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