Plan B is the new Plan A
my phone needs a breathalizer
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
