Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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