I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
