After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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