I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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