i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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