No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Its about making memories worth repressing
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
