how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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