I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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