I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
