i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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