I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
