So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
