Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
