It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's blow job season.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
