bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
