I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
