Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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