uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
