I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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