You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
