oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
