You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
