someone threw a dead crab at me
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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