Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
