cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize