when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
