i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
