I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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