i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
