you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
