His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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