If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
They took my balls.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
