my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
