: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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