If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
