I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
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