Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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