You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
