True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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