The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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