haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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