I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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