I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
