ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i used baking grease as lip gloss
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
