im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
