just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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