Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
