I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize