hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
