don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize