I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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