I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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