this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
