The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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